Episode 9

In this week's "Dear Star Savior":

— I reach out to Madonna after a court stops her from adopting a child

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read “Dear Star Savior” and listen to previous episodes.

Download “Dear Star Savior: Episode 9″ (MP3, 4:27, 6.1 MB)

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Madonna's shot-down adoption

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Madonna. A court recently blocked me from adopting a child from Malawi, but I'm not ready to stop trying. This girl has already become attached, so I can't give up on adopting her. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

Just because the court blocked your adoption in Malawi doesn't mean you have to go empty-handed. I recommend kidnapping.

It turns out that there is a decent selection of African kids right here in the United States. The next time you see some, just help yourself. And stock up so you won't have to look for more when you run out. Even better, if you make sure the kids aren't related, you can breed them.

To be fair, I have to warn you that raising kidnapped children can lead to awkward conversations later. If they start asking questions, you should be totally honest with them. For example, "Where do babies come from? Parks. Why isn't my daddy here? Speed."

In case you're not sold on the idea, consider this: Kidnapping is a great workout. First, you chase the kids. Then, you might have to wrestle them away from their parents before you haul them off to your car. It's like Tae Bo with an Amber Alert.

If that's not enough for you, remember that kidnapping helps the economy. Instead of trying to save their money for things like college funds, the parents will spend money producing fliers, and they'll buy extra milk to look for their kids on the cartons.

On top of that, kidnapping is earth-friendly. First of all, no children are wasted, since kidnapping is just reuse of existing kids. And if you grab multiple kids on each trip, you'll be carpooling. Otherwise, all of those kids would ride home in each of their parents' cars. Also, the adoption process wastes a lot of paper, but kidnapping is paper-free. So do it for Mother Earth. Her kids take longer to replace.

I hope this helps you realize that you don't have to go all the way to Malawi for adoption. You might find your next African kid right in your own backyard — actually, someone else's.

The Star Savior

Episode 8

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

— I give Jennifer Aniston tips for fighting pregnancy rumors
— I advise Lindsay Lohan after she describes Barack Obama as "our first colored president"
— I advise Kate Winslet about her anti-fur stance

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 8" (MP3, 5:52, 2.7 MB)

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Jennifer Aniston's pregnancy rumor

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Jennifer Aniston. There’s a rumor that says I’m pregnant and John Mayer is the father. My spokesperson denied the rumor, but I’m not sure that people are convinced. I recently was photographed wearing a tight shirt at a popular place in Hollywood, so that might help say I’m not pregnant. What do you think?


Dear Jennifer,

To fight a pregnancy rumor, being seen and photographed wearing a tight shirt is a decent try. But you need to make a bigger statement. If people think you're pregnant, let them see you hitting a bottle of maternity gin.

This is your chance to have fun with the pregnancy rumor by letting some vices speak for you. Go out for some heavy drinking and talk about plans for your baby’s first 12 steps. If anyone looks concerned about your drinking, tell them that every baby’s first words are slurred, anyway. Go to a bar wearing a fake pregnant belly and say you’re there to lose 6 pounds.

You can do the same thing with smoking. Tell people you’re doing it to keep the baby’s birth weight under control so it won’t have a gut. Say you're smoking cigarettes to load the baby up with Vitamin Tar. Light up while wearing a T-shirt that says "Baby On Board — For Now."

If you'd like to have a few friends over, hold a baby shower catered by Camel. Either they’ll realize that you’re not pregnant or the first baby-shower game will be an intervention.

The Star Savior

Lindsay Lohan's 'colored' Obama comment

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Lindsay Lohan. In an interview, I said I was looking forward to having Barack Obama as “our first colored president.” It’s getting some attention. It's clear how much I support Obama, so that little slip-up isn’t a big deal, is it?


Dear Lindsay,

I understand your excitement about having a colored president, but there’s no time to sit back and enjoy it. It’s time to start thinking about the next election, so that Obama won’t be our last colored president.

You should use your status to encourage young people to “Spook the Vote.” You could organize a rally called the “Spade Raid.” And you could count on the full support of the colored community — once they get here in their time machines.

The Star Savior

Kate Winslet's fake-fake-fur photos

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Kate Winslet. I recently did a magazine photo shoot with supposedly fake fur that turned out to be real. It's a problem because I've spoken out against wearing fur. What do you think?


Dear Kate,

At first, I wondered why someone who is anti-fur would pose for pictures with fake fur, since it comes across as real fur and makes you look like a hypocrite. But now I get the point. It’s OK to take a stand — kind of. Now, it's time for you to spread the word.

Tell the people in Alcoholics Anonymous to loosen up. Go tell Mothers Against Drunk Driving that driving while drunk is good in moderation. And ask a few groups to ease up on child abuse because it might be a good workout. Remember: It’s OK as long as they take pictures.

The Star Savior

Episode 7

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I give Amy Winehouse a few tips on how to quit smoking
-- I show George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres how they can fight for gay marriage
-- I reach out to Cher after she cancels shows for health reasons

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 7" (MP3, 5:21, 2.4 MB)

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Amy Winehouse's smoking problem

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Amy Winehouse. I checked back into a hospital this week, just three days after I spent a few days there for testing. I have some smoking-related lung problems, and my doctor has told me to quit smoking, but I’ve been struggling with it. What do you think I should do?


Dear Amy,

Most people would say you were failing by smoking after your doctor told you to quit, but I saw that you had a strategy. You weren’t falling off the wagon. You were trying to quit smoking by breaking your lungs. That’s thinking inside the carton.

You saw what your doctor couldn’t see: If you ever quit smoking, you would overdose on fresh air. That's because you are one of the great smokers of our time, equally talented with both cigarettes and crack. And you're too good at it to quit now.

But if you have to quit smoking, nicotine patches aren’t enough. It’s time to go radical.

It looks like the best way for you to quit smoking is to have your hands removed. On top of being smoke-free, if you give up your hands, you’ll lose a few pounds.

But if you'd like to try using your hands for something other than smoking, there are other ways to quit. For example, to cut down on your smoking at home, try a gas leak. At the worst, you’ll only fall off the wagon once.

The Star Savior

Takei, DeGeneres to fight for gay marriage

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s George Takei and Ellen DeGeneres. We’re disappointed that California voters passed a ban on gay marriage, and we plan to keep fighting it. What advice do you have for us?


Dear George and Ellen,

I voted in support of gay marriage, so I hope the fight isn’t over. But getting people on board with gay marriage calls for more than just petitions and protests. It's time for some strategy.

You should encourage every gay couple to make their relationship even gayer by adding a third person. If people don’t like gay marriage, give them a taste of extra-strength gay marriage: an all-new, enriched, fortified version, now with 50% more gayness. Before long, they'll miss the days of traditional gay marriage.

The Star Savior

Cher's 'Vegas throat'

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Cher. I recently had to cancel several shows in Las Vegas for health reasons. There were rumors that I was suffering from serious conditions such as cancer, but it was just “Vegas throat.” It happens to a lot of singers here, so it’s not a big deal. How do you think I should handle the rumors?


Dear Cher,

I’m glad that you’re doing well, and I hope you can get back on stage soon. But I think you should start using the scientific name for your condition. “Vegas throat” sounds like something a guy might pay for.

The Star Savior

Episode 6

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Madonna after she announces that she's getting a divorce
-- I reach out to former “Soul Train” host Don Cornelius after his arrest for suspected domestic violence
-- I advise Angelina Jolie after she buys her 7-year-old son a set of knives

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 6" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

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Madonna's divorce and A-Rod rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s Madonna. After a long time of denying rumors, Guy Ritchie and I are getting a divorce. Now, there's another round of rumors about my relationship with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. What do you think I should do?


Dear Madonna,

If you want to avoid feeding rumors, you should keep your distance from A-Rod for a while. However, don't close yourself off to dating in the meantime. Until the rumors stop, you should only date guys who are totally unknown. The more unknown, the better. So I recommend the homeless.

Once you're ready for A-Rod, your time dating the homeless will give you lots of new things to talk about -- like getting shots. There’s your first trip together.

If you're not sold on the idea yet, dating homeless men has advantages. A homeless man won’t ever be too busy with his work. Even better, you would have open communication, since homeless guys love to let you know what they want. It's what they do. And when you’re dating a homeless man, he’s always up for just spending time at home -- your home, since everybody is at his place.

On top of that, homeless men are easier to buy gifts for. Once in a while, surprise him with a bunch of fresh-picked cans. Or have his shopping cart washed and detailed. For his birthday, give him a cup of change. For Christmas or Valentine's Day, get him a new squeegee. And have it engraved with an inspirational message like "Keep reaching for the cars."

It’s just a matter of finding the right homeless guy for you. Try Web sites like HoboHookup.com or BumBunnies.net. Start hitting happy hour at the nearest shelter. Hang out at public libraries, so you can snag a homeless guy right after his sink bath. Before you know it, you'll wish A-Rod smelled like pink hand soap and brown paper towels.

The Star Savior

Don Cornelius' domestic-violence arrest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Don Cornelius, the creator and former host of the TV show "Soul Train." I was arrested on suspicion of domestic violence after someone reported a domestic dispute. I'm free on bail until my court appearance next month. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Don,

I'd like to offer some advice, but I need more information about the alleged domestic dispute. Did you beat her while going down a Soul Train Line? And did she not call police because your punches scrambled her words?

The Star Savior

Angelina Jolie's 7-year-old gets knives

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s actress Angelina Jolie. I just continued a family tradition by getting my 7-year-old son a set of knives. My mom gave me my first daggers when I was 11 or 12, and I’ve decided to do the same for my kids. What do you think?


Dear Angelina,

I think you're keeping up a great tradition by giving each of your kids a set of knives. But now you need to add a new tradition: getting a new set of kids.

The Star Savior

Episode 5

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise Hugh Hefner after one of his girlfriends breaks up with him
-- I give Ryan O’Neal advice after his son is sent back to rehab
-- I reach out to David Duchovny after his treatment for sex addiction

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 5" (MP3, 5:47, 2.6 MB)

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Hugh Hefner's breakup

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's Playboy magazine publisher Hugh Hefner. One of my three girlfriends has decided to stop seeing me. I saw this coming after I told her that I don't want to be married and have children. She's still here in the Playboy Mansion, but she says it's over, so I guess it's over. What do you think I should do?

Dear Hugh,

You are absolutely right. When she says it's over, it's over, and there is nothing to keep her from leaving. But there should be. Nothing keeps a relationship going like shackles. I promise: She won't ever leave you if she can't.

You need to make a grand romantic gesture to keep her from leaving you, and the best way to say “don’t leave me” is to chain her to a radiator. That's right: Imprisonment can be romantic.

Keeping her as a captive girlfriend instead of a wife guarantees that she won’t go anywhere. If she runs away from your marriage, she gets half of your money. If she tries to run away while she’s chained up, she gets half of her leg.

A relationship with a hostage has plenty of challenges -- mostly for her. So you really have to let her know what she means to you. And don't save it for special days. She might not survive.

Let her know that money is no object, even though she is. Start by chaining her up with designer high-end shackles. It turns out that shackles have gotten a lot nicer since slavery.

For a small treat every few days, let her stand up. Every now and then, surprise her with breakfast in bed -- actually, breakfast on the radiator she's chained to. Try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to her bathroom bucket.

For a special romantic night, take her on a trip down to the basement for dinner under the bare light bulb. But don't worry about finding her favorite wine. After she's been chained up for a while, she'll love any fluid that she didn't produce.

The Star Savior

Ryan O'Neal's son goes back to rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor Ryan O'Neal. My son has been sent back to rehab since we were arrested for possession of meth. He was sent for two weeks of detox after admitting that he had relapsed. How do you think I should handle this?


Dear Ryan,

Going back to rehab could be rough for your son, so try to make it as pleasant as possible. It might help to send him reminders of home, like an old toy that he could enjoy today. Do you think an Easy-Bake Oven could cook meth?

The Star Savior

David Duchovny leaves sex-addiction rehab

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's actor David Duchovny. I just completed rehab for sex addiction -- actually, addiction to Internet porn -- and I'm back at home and ready to get on with my life. What advice do you have for me?


Dear David,

Now that you’re dealing with sex addiction outside of rehab, I have a concern: What do recovering sex addicts do at their meetings? And I need to know the extent of your problem. At the low point in your addiction to Internet porn, what did you do to your computer for a fix?

The Star Savior

Episode 4

In this week’s “Dear Star Savior”:

-- I advise comedian Sandra Bernhard, who lost work because of a rape joke involving Sarah Palin
-- I give Heather Locklear driving tips after her DUI arrest
-- I reach out to Britney Spears after hearing rumors of a sex tape

If you see or hear about a celebrity in need of help, call the Celebrity Rescue Hotline at 206-426-5796 or contact me here at StarSavior.com, where you can read "Dear Star Savior" and listen to previous episodes.

Download "Dear Star Savior: Episode 4" (MP3, 6:49, 3.2 MB)

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Sandra Bernhard's Sarah Palin rape joke

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It's comedian Sandra Bernhard. A women's shelter has cut me from its annual benefit show because of a joke. The joke was about how vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin would be "gang-raped by my big black brothers." It was part of my criticism of Palin's opposition to abortion rights. Basically, they took my remark out of context. What do you think I should do?


Dear Sandra,

Since the women's shelter was turned off by your rape joke's violence against a woman, you should change the joke to make the rape less violent.

For an easy fix, you could change the gang rape into a solo rape. That way, there would less total violence.

Even the most talented solo rapist can't match the work of a rape team. One guy might be able to pull it off, but it would take a lot longer. And he might not do it as well. He would be tired, so he could lose focus and get sloppy.

But you can keep the gang-rape setup if you cut back on the violence. Small changes can add up, so start there. Change the joke so that the rapists wear slacks instead of jeans, which can be rough and cause chafing. Have them take off their shoes before the rape so they won't crush the woman's feet. And it might help to put the rape after a long chase and struggle, so the rapists would be winded.

You also should focus on the tiny details when you rewrite the rape joke. Have the rapists take off their jewelry and watches to avoid scratching the woman. Change the joke so that the rapists haven't consumed or handled any dairy or peanut products, in case the woman is allergic. Just to be safe, have them carry some Benadryl. And make sure the rapists use hand sanitizer. The last thing a raped woman needs is a cold.

The Star Savior