Jessica Simpson’s baby jealousy

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Jessica Simpson. My younger sister Ashlee may be pregnant. While I’m happy for her, I can’t help but feel a little jealous that I’m not planning a wedding and having a baby. What do you think?

Dear Jessica,

If you’re bothered by the idea of your younger sister having a baby before you, don’t be: You can still beat her to the punch. The streets are flooded with sperm that’s there for the taking if you’re up for a tradeoff. You’ll gain a new option for every standard you drop.

Traditional types might tell you to hit a bar and try to conceive a child in a bottle-powered one-night-stand. The only problem with this is that meeting guys in person might tempt you to be selective. Remember: Nothing gets in the way of quick pregnancy like standards.

If you’re really serious about scoring some sperm and aren’t dead-set on having a guy involved, take an extreme self-serve approach. Go to one of the sketchier neighborhoods and keep your eyes peeled for used condoms. If you don’t know where to look for used condoms, find a local drug connoisseur and follow the needle tracks on their arms. For a used-rubber hunter, that’s the North Star.

Once you’re pregnant, making up for your sister’s headstart means getting that baby out of there as soon as possible. As soon as your belly is big enough, start an exercise program based on crunches. Join a co-ed rodeo team. Lie face-down on a moving conveyer belt. If you do this one at a grocery store and it works, have the baby put in a paper bag. Plastic bags are dangerous for babies.

The Star Savior

Conan O'Brien's stalker-priest

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m talk-show host Conan O’Brien. A Catholic priest who had been stalking me pleaded guilty in court this week, and the judge fined him and ordered him to stay away from me for two years. But this priest calls himself one my “most dangerous fans.” Should I still be worried?

Dear Conan,

Even with a two-year order to stay away, the priest isn’t done stalking you. Religious stalkers are the worst kind. They’re willing to go all the way for their stalking, even if it gets them in trouble with the law. They have Jesus as a role model, so they don’t fear execution. However, persistent religious types have a weakness: They won’t go where they’re not needed.

Find some bodyguards, but not big imposing guys. Round up a staff of guys who look exactly like the stalker-priest. Start by having the look-alikes take rotating shifts of fake-stalking you 24/7, and make sure the stalker-priest sees it. He's busy with his church and can’t give you that kind of attention, so he might back off. Stalkers have commitment issues. During your shows, have the look-alikes appear on camera and use stalker-grade bushes and windows. (Don’t go with low-quality or fake stuff: Real stalkers will notice. They're snobs about that kind of thing.)

Then, have your camera crew film you and a stalker look-alike for a sex tape. But make sure to perform selfishly and leave right afterward. The stalker-priest will leave you alone. Stalkers have abandonment issues, and they avoid people who don’t cuddle.

The Star Savior

Wyclef's anti-crime ad for Haiti

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m musician Wyclef Jean. I recently recorded a radio ad to ask my fellow citizens of Haiti to give up crime and work to improve the country. There has been a wave of kidnappings and gang crime in Haiti recently, but I think this radio ad will reach the criminals. What do you think?

Dear Wyclef,

I admire your intention. However, in the poorest country in the Americas, crime isn’t going anywhere. Instead, you should use your celebrity status to encourage criminals to try earth-friendly crimes.

You should advise kidnappers to carpool. This would give them a chance to network and discuss developments in the kidnapping industry. Encourage kidnappers to move their victims on public transportation. Haiti’s bus lines have stops in all the major hideout districts, so kidnappers would have an easy commute to work. And they can get discount passes for the people they kidnap. Even better, you could encourage kidnappers to do more walking. On top of conserving resources and reducing pollution, walking would give kidnappers a lot of great exercise. The last thing a kidnapper needs is back fat.

Encourage rapists to not tear clothes made from synthetic materials, or at least tell them to recycle it. Recommend that criminals cut back on shooting and do more strangling. They’d still get their violence in, but there would be less bullet litter. Who says a crime wave can’t have a small carbon footprint?

The Star Savior

Kristin Davis and the sex-tape rumors

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Kristin Davis, star of “Sex and the City.” There are rumors that I appear in a sex tape that was shot in 1992 and has been leaked online. Now, pictures from the video are all over the Internet, and people insist that the video and photos are of me, even though my representative has told them that’s not me. What should I do?

Dear Kristin,

There’s only one way to prove it’s not you in the sex tape: Shoot a sex tape now and release it online, so people can compare the tapes. For a good comparison, duplicate everything the girl does in the other sex tape. Since the other video was shot in 1992, you’ll need to have some technicians do an age-progression to bring the girl up to your current age. They’ll do it for free if you say the girl in the sex tape is missing. Just tell them she was last seen with a penis, and give them a penis description to put on milk cartons. After the sex tape is ready to go, schedule screenings at fine theaters like TomKat or Studs, which draw the kinds of guys who would focus only on identifying you. Think of them as a forensics team hired to spot DNA evidence on its way out.

The Star Savior

Michael Jackson faces Neverland foreclosure

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Michael Jackson. I have to pay a balance of nearly $25 million to keep Neverland Valley Ranch in California from being foreclosed and sold. I haven’t spent much time there since I was acquitted on charges of sexually molesting a boy there after giving him alcohol, and state authorities shut it down in 2006, but I don’t want to lose Neverland. What should I do?

Dear Michael,

Since you have ties to the Los Angeles area and you used to live in Bahrain, you could take advantage of having two worlds. Celebrities love hitting benefit events, so you could raise money for Neverland with an auction of any young boy buddies you may have met in Bahrain. They might have been sold into prostitution in Bahrain anyway, but coming from a U.S. auction would look good on their resumes. For even more charity, the celebrities who win would donate their boys to Bahrain’s poorer prostitution rings, so they could afford to offer free parking and better insurance. As a bonus, the donations would be tax-deductible if the celebrities were willing to turn in receipts with “hooker boy” on them.

The Star Savior

Diddy's punch explanation

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Sean Combs, also known as P. Diddy or Puff Daddy. I’m being sued by a man who said I punched him at a party in Hollywood, but I recently explained to the court that I didn’t punch him. He came lunging at me, and I instinctively outstretched an open hand to shield myself. Any contact that happened was because he ran into my stationary open hand. My explanation makes sense, right?

Dear Diddy,

I think you should be more specific in your explanation. Go with this: “We all know what Einstein said about punch-out illusions, so I’ll skip the basics. The chemicals in this guy’s aftershave were drawn to the metals in my ring, so powerfully that it sent him sprinting jaw-first at my open hand, which didn’t move. I know it seemed like a perfect right hook with good follow-through, but that’s just the magic of science. And I only fled because the chemicals in my shoes repel jail.”

The Star Savior

Amy Winehouse's crack video

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m Amy Winehouse. Police have questioned me about a video that supposedly shows me smoking crack cocaine during a party at my house. They haven’t filed charges, but they’re still investigating. What should I do?

Dear Amy,

Unfortunately, there isn’t a quick fix for your current situation. However, you should use this time to find a good crackhouse instead of smoking crack at home. The main benefit of a crackhouse is the lack of video cameras: Crackhouse types usually aren’t photogenic, and it’s hard to keep a camera still while tweaking. It doesn’t make for good viewing. As a bonus, you’d be smoking crack with London’s crack greats, addicts who went pro before your first pipe was just a twinkle in your dilated pupils. Think of it as a crack fantasy camp. Make sure to get autographs!

The Star Savior